Smarter Than They Think
by jesuistitania
Summary: The  other  reason behind Santana's anger. Or Santana's thoughts through "Sexy" and "Original Song".


Santana Lopez is angry.

She doesn't _feel_ angry. She just is. She's angry like she's hot and a brunette. She's been angry for so long that she doesn't really give it a second thought anymore. It comes naturally to her. Does Rachel Berry need a reason to be annoying? No. She just is. It's her thing. And being angry is Santana's thing. She's angry and bitchy. No reason, okay?

Here's the thing, though: there kinda is a reason.

She's known for a while, but it's one of those things that you know but you pretend like you don't. Like when you figure out the whole Santa thing but you pretend to believe it, just in case your parents will stop buying you presents if they know you know. It was kinda like that. She knew but she pretended she didn't. Just in case she'd freak out and stop making out with Brittany if she let herself know she knew.

The thing with Brittany is, though, she knows Santana better than Santana knows herself. And she knows Santana can't really say no to her, even when she really, really wants to. Even when she knows talking about feelings with Miss Holiday is just about the worst idea ever. But then Brittany looked at her with the puppy dog eyes, and Santana knew she'd already lost that fight. Brittany knew, too. Brittany is not nearly as dumb as people may think.

So, anyway. Even though she knew it was a terrible, awful idea, Santana went ahead and sat with Brittany and Miss Holiday in the Secret Sexy Sharing Circle. Which sounds much dirtier than what it actually is. And that's where the trouble really started, really, because that's when Miss Holiday said the word 'lesbian' and Santana felt like running far, far away from them. To a place where she could keep on pretending she had no idea what was going on. Like she was angry for no reason at all. But she didn't. She couldn't, really, because she can't run if Brittany isn't going with her.

Yes, Brittany knows that, too.

And then there was the song. Santana thinks Brittany knew the song would make her break. Santana thought so even before she started to sing. But it was one of those moments, you know? One of those moments when you know you're about to do something impossibly stupid, but there's something inside you that makes you do it anyway. Mr. Schue would say it was her emotions or something, and Coach Sylvester would say it was the racing horse hormones she put in her shakes.

Brittany knew it was her heart. Santana knew she knew.

Crying was embarrassing. Because when Rachel Berry sings and cries everyone kinda rolls their eyes and figures it'll be a marketable skill when she's in Brodway surrounded by fellow freaks. But Santana Lopez doesn't cry, ever. Much less when singing a love song to her best friend. But, as embarrassing as it was, crying wasn't nearly the worst part of the whole situation.

See, there was this point during the song, right between telling Brittany that she'd built her life around her and assuring her that time makes her bolder, where Santana's heart cracked open. Like an egg. And there she was, singing and crying and unable to run for her life, while every single feeling she had came pouring out of her heart in front of the whole glee club. Luckily for her, they had no idea what they were watching. But Brittany did. Sometimes, Santana wonders if she's the smartest of them all.

That was a very long night.

First, she tried to go back to the way things were before. She tried to convince herself that she felt nothing for Brittany that she didn't feel for boys or the hot person-shaped bush. And when that failed, she tried telling herself that she was just confused and it'd pass. And somewhere around 5 am, she found herself admitting that she was in love with Brittany Pierce. And she smiled in the dark.

Yes, really. She smiled. Because she knew Brittany knew. She had to, right? She knew what Santana felt for her, she just wanted her to say it out loud. So when she decided to talk to Brittany, she was sure it'd all be just fine. She'd tell her how she felt, Brittany would gift her with one of those sweet, sweet smiles only Santana deserved, and they'd go back to being themselves once again. No labels, just cuddles and making out. Just the way she liked it.

But something shifted while she was talking, and that plan went to hell almost as soon as Santana started to speak. When she remembers the scene, Santana likes to blame sleep deprivation for what she said. She likes to pretend she doesn't know what she was thinking. She even told Brittany exactly that. The truth is, that damn song had already cracked her heart open, and she couldn't stop herself. She talked about fear, and love and hope. She confessed Brittany was the only one she wanted. She begged Brittany for an 'I love you too'.

When she got it, it felt like being kicked in the heart.

It felt like the next words should've been "just not in that way" or "but I'm not _in love_ with you". They were something about not wanting to hurt Artie, but Santana was too busy feeling her world being turned upside down to pay attention at that point. Brittany was rejecting her, and Santana's head began filling with questions she was too proud to ask. Why did you make me say it? Why didn't you end it sooner? Why can't he be the one you hurt to protect me? When did he become more important?

How could you?

It sickens her to think about it. It's such a Rachel Berry line. How could you? So cliché. It should only be said in high drama fashion, on a stage or on the set of one of those boring black and white movies from the eighties or whatever. And yet, how could she? How could Brittany look at her while she was pouring her heart out to her, and tell her she couldn't hurt her boyfriend to be with her?

Santana Lopez is angry.

She's angry at Miss Holiday for making her think that maybe she's gay for Brittany. She's angry at Stubbles McCripple-Pants for kissing Brittany, and touching her, and holding her hand, and for _having her_ when everyone knows he still wants Tina, and Santana would give anything to have what that stupid boy has. She's angry at Brittany for making her face all her fears, for ruining what they had and for making her fall and not being there to catch her. Most of all, she's angry at herself. For not seeing it coming. For letting herself get into this situation. And since she can't glare at herself, she chooses to be extra bitchy to everyone else. They have no idea why she's become such an insufferable bitch.

Brittany Pierce knows Santana's heart has been smashed to pieces.

Santana Lopez wishes Brittany was as dumb as people think she is.


End file.
